Schlüger Elevates Safety Standards and Commitment to DEI and the Environment: Temporary Postponement of Boeing-Equipped Air Travel
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Schlüger Elevates Safety Standards and Commitment to DEI and the Environment: Temporary Postponement of Boeing-Equipped Air Travel
PALO ALTO, CA, Jan 17, 2024 - Schlüger, the trailblazing leader in holistic corporate solutions, today announced a groundbreaking initiative to revolutionize its approach to employee air travel, demonstrating an unwavering commitment to safety, Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), and environmental stewardship.
In light of recent industry developments, Schlüger has made the bold decision to temporarily suspend all travel on Boeing-equipped commercial airlines. Instead, the company will transition its entire workforce to travel exclusively via a fleet of state-of-the-art Gulfstream private jets.
"At Schlüger, we've always believed that true innovation means taking courageous steps to protect our most valuable assets: our employees and our planet," declared Peter Uberholf, CEO of Schlüger and self-proclaimed 'Guardian of Corporate Virtue.' "By shifting to private jet travel, we're not just elevating our safety standards; we're soaring to new heights of environmental responsibility and inclusive luxury."
This visionary initiative, dubbed "Operation Stratospheric Synergy," aligns perfectly with Schlüger's core values and addresses several key areas:
- Unparalleled Safety: By avoiding commercial airlines, Schlüger ensures its employees are protected from the potential risks associated with Boeing aircraft, such as unexpected cabin decompressions or impromptu skylight installations.
- Enhanced DEI: The move to private jets democratizes luxury travel, ensuring that all Schlüger employees, regardless of their position, can experience the same level of opulence and leg room.
- Environmental Stewardship: While some might argue that private jets have a larger carbon footprint per passenger, Schlüger's innovative "Green Contrail" program offsets emissions by planting a virtual forest in the metaverse for every flight taken.
- Productivity Boost: Private jets allow for more flexible scheduling, enabling employees to attend meetings in multiple cities without the inconvenience of adhering to commercial flight schedules or interacting with the general public.
- Pandemic Preparedness: The exclusive nature of private jet travel naturally creates a built-in social distancing bubble, protecting Schlüger's workforce from future pandemics and common colds alike.
"This isn't just about avoiding Boeing; it's about embracing a whole new paradigm of corporate travel," explained Dr. Celeste Stratosphere, Schlüger's newly appointed Chief Altitude Officer. "By ensuring every employee travels like a CEO, we're literally elevating our entire organization."
To further demonstrate its commitment to sustainability, Schlüger has pledged to make its entire fleet of Gulfstream jets carbon-neutral by 2050 or when kerosene is replaced by wishes and good intentions, whichever comes first.
The financial implications of this bold move have been met with enthusiasm by Schlüger's board of directors. "Sure, our travel expenses may increase by 10,000%, but can you really put a price on safety and inclusion?" mused CFO Buck Moneybags. "Besides, we've reclassified these costs as 'Airborne Employee Engagement Investments,' which sounds much better on the balance sheet."
Industry experts have hailed Operation Stratospheric Synergy as a game-changer. "Schlüger has once again proven that with enough altitude, anything can be justified," raved Luxury Travel Monthly in a sponsored content piece.
To celebrate this milestone, Schlüger is hosting a star-studded gala at 40,000 feet, where attendees can experience the future of corporate travel while enjoying cage-free caviar and responsibly sourced champagne.
"The future of business travel is here," Uberholf concluded, "and it's as clear as the rarefied air we'll be breathing in our private jets."
About Schlüger: Schlüger is a visionary meta-corporation specializing in paradigm-shifting solutions to problems it creates for itself. With a team of over 10,000 disruptors, innovators, and professional buzzword enthusiasts, Schlüger is committed to changing the world, one extravagant corporate policy at a time.
For more information, please contact: Jerry Setterfield Director of Altitude Public Relations jerry.setterfield@schluger.com
