Careers
Join the Revolution of Workplace Advancement!
At Schlüger, we believe that a career is more than just a job—it's a lifelong commitment to family, meetings, and the relentless pursuit of synergy. If you're ready to trade your work-life balance for the opportunity to be part of something marginally larger than yourself, then Schlüger is the place for you!
Why Join Schlüger?
- Unparalleled Opportunity for Growth: Watch your responsibilities expand exponentially.
- Cutting-Edge Technology: Experience the thrill of working with the latest software and hardware.
- Collaborative Environment: Enjoy open-plan offices which maximizes productivity.
- Work-Life Integration: Why balance work and life when you can blend them into one indistinguishable blur?
- Innovation at Every Turn: Be part of a team that's constantly reinventing the wheel, and the concept of circles.
Industry-Defining Benefits
At Schlüger, we pride ourselves on offering a benefits package that's as unique as our approach to business:
- Competitive Salary: We ensure your pay is always competing with the cost of living.
- Health Insurance: Our comprehensive plan covers up to 15% of your medical needs after a $10,000 deductible.
- Dental Plan: We provide a company-branded toothbrush, annually.
- Vision Care: Enjoy a 5% discount on screen-glare reducing glasses to support up-to 80-hour work weeks.
- Retirement Planning: Our 401(k) plan matches up to 0.5% of your contributions, vesting over 30 years.
- Paid Time Off: Accrue up to 3 days per year, usable only during leap years.
- Professional Development: Access to our vast library of VHS training tapes.
- Free Coffee: Enjoy our signature blend of recycled grounds, available 24/7.
- Gym Membership: 10% discount to the fitness center in the basement.
- Employee Assistance Program: A hotline that connects you directly to our professionaly produced motivational recording.
Our Rigorous 23-Step Interview Process
At Schlüger, we believe that hiring the right people is crucial to our continued mediocrity. That's why we've developed a comprehensive 23-step interview process designed to test your patience, resilience, and ensure you are the right fit for Schlüger:
- Initial Application: Submit your resume, cover letter, and a 10,000-word essay on "Why Schlüger is the Greatest Company in the History of Companies."
- AI Screening: Our proprietary algorithm scans your application for keywords like "synergy," "disruptive," and "blockchain."
- Phone Screening: A brief 3-hour call to assess your ability to stay awake during long, pointless conversations.
- Online Assessment: Complete our 500-question personality test to ensure you're a cultural fit (i.e., easily moldable).
- First In-Person Interview: Meet with our junior recruiter for a casual 6-hour chat.
- Technical Assessment: Demonstrate your proficiency in obsolete programming languages and your ability to fix the office printer.
- Group Interview: Collaborate with other candidates to solve an impossible puzzle with missing pieces.
- Lunch Interview: Join a team for lunch, where we judge your ability to eat and answer rapid-fire questions simultaneously.
- Virtual Reality Challenge: Navigate a VR simulation of a typical day at Schlüger, complete with endless meetings and passive-aggressive emails.
- Physical Fitness Test: Prove you can sprint to catch the last train home after a 14-hour workday.
- Second In-Person Interview: Meet with a panel of executives who will ask you the same questions as the first interview.
- Psychometric Evaluation: Undergo a series of tests to ensure you're susceptible to corporate groupthink.
- Role-Playing Exercise: Act out common workplace scenarios, like accepting blame for your boss's mistakes.
- Background Check: We'll scrutinize your entire life history, including your elementary school attendance record.
- Social Media Audit: We'll analyze your online presence to ensure you've been appropriately hyping Schlüger for years.
- DNA Test: To confirm you're not related to any of our competitors.
- Time Travel Simulation: We'll assess how you might have performed if you joined Schlüger in various past decades.
- Handwriting Analysis: Because we believe penmanship is a window to the soul.
- Aura Reading: Our in-house spiritual advisor will ensure your energy aligns with our corporate chakras.
- Family Interview: Your entire extended family will be questioned to gauge your support system's ability to handle your impending work-life imbalance.
- Final Boss Interview: Face off against our CEO in a high-stakes game of corporate bingo.
- Offer Negotiation: A 17-round process where we gradually reduce the initially proposed salary.
- Initiation Ceremony: Swear a blood oath of loyalty to Schlüger in a secret underground bunker.
If you complete all 23 steps, congratulations! You may be worthy of joining the Schlüger family. Remember, at Schlüger, we're not just employees—we're a company with a relentless pursuit of synergy.
Apply now and start your journey towards career redefinition!